December 30th, 2004

I thought that the sound you hear when the Red Cross puts you on hold sounded like an ambulance inside a police car, but then the phone went dead so it was actually just an alert that I was going to be disconnected. I like to think that I am not an idiot, but actually just gave the Red Cross a lot of credit for having creative hold "music".
But I'm not here to talk about that. If you are here it's probably because you want to hear more stories about my cat.(or give me a book deal. I would mention hiring me for work I actually do but that sounds desperate) And lucky for you, I have a cat story! So, Starks has to go to the vet today and the doctor asked for a stool sample. (Don't get grossed out yet, it gets better! Also, just be glad I don't have children. The story would be much more detailed.) Well, I thought, how will I possibly know which poop is his, and which is his brother Oakley's?! Starks is such a thoughtful cat he must have heard me discussing that conundrum because this morning he walked right up to me with a poop dangling out of his ass hanging by a strand of tinsel! He actually tried to wrap his poop for me and give it to me like a present! If that cat isn't the smartest, sweetest thing,I don't know what is. Well, yes I do!
Speaking of smartest sweetest things (but not of poop. I really started this comparison on the wrong foot)I love Dave Chappelle. I feel the need to proclaim it to my mass, mass, mass, mass public. He was on 60 minutes last night and I love him, I love his mother, I love his ranch in Ohio, I just love everything about him. Not only is he funny, but he's sweet and has integrity. I can't say enough good things about him. Some day no doubt, if I need his stool sample he would wrap it up in tinsel for me. He's that kind of guy.
Enough with the glowing compliments though! I'll leave you with this: I hated the movie Sideways. Hated it! Apparently I love movies people hate (Garden State) and hate movies people love. (Citizen Kane. Just kidding! Sideways, I just said it!) It's a good thing I write for a living. Clearly I have my finger on the pulse of the nation.
Happy New Year!
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December 27th, 2004
Pigeon love

This morning started with Brett finding a pigeon on our front stoop, freezing and seemingly near death. Brett is one of the few people I know who, like me, not only doesn't despise pigeons but actually likes them. When Jen and I would have lunch at the hospital we would sometimes feed the pigeons. I would feel sad that there were so many of them and get mad at the kids who thought it was a fun activity to run at them full speed trying to scare them. Brett always assured me that they were fine, and also that they were very stupid. I'm not sure why that made me feel better, but it did. Well, I do know why. Because if they are really dumb, maybe they won't realize they are pigeons. If you were one, you wouldn't want to fully realize your fate. Anyway, Brett reminded me yet again why he is my perfect counterpart as he pet the little pigeon's head before the poor thing (the pigeon, not Brett) went on to his seemingly bitter end. We put him in a shoe box (the pigeon, not Brett) and Brett went off to work. Two hours later I looked through the door into the hall and saw the pigeon walking around. I can't explain why this scared me, but I didn't like seeing that thing walking in our hall doing God knows what (read: shitting). I put on a brave face though and went into the hall, keeping the pigeon from the rest of the house and a cat who wanted nothing more than to rip him apart. I tried to feed the thing, and it was a bit like watching a person with their hands tied behind their backs bobbing for apples. I have never seen anything have such a hard time eating. He would get a tiny piece of bread in his mouth and throw his head around like he was ripping apart a blue whale. As I said I have fed pigeons before, but this one seemed especially inept. Anyway, pretty soon I opened the door and he went on his merry way, but not before he and Starks had a good 15 minute staring match, a door securely between them. Jen proclaimed that they must be in love, and I said yes, the kind of love where one of you wants to claw the other one to death and eat them.
Adorable picture below!


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December 22nd, 2004
So *this* is what fame feels like!

Yes folks, I am 1/6th of the reason someone bothered to post in Craig's list's missed connections. So THIS is how Jennifer Aniston feels! (Famewise, not married to Brad Pittwise.)(Pittwise is a word. Try using it, people will be impressed. Famewise isn't, so don't waste your time.) I don't know why people complain about fame. If you don't want to be bothered by it, you DON'T HAVE to be. It's a choice, people. I'm talking to the famous people, not the regular people. Here is the link in case anyone is interested:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/53078491.html

In other news it turns out I *did* have a meeting the other day and let's just say, the woman could have used some cat rufies. Does she know who I AM?? I'm 1/6th of Stickerbook!
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December 16th, 2004
Starks Levinger

My cat is obsessed with me. It is a fairly recent development. When he isn't on my lap or meowing at me to pick him up I'll look over and see him staring at me longingly. I'm starting to get worried that the medication we have to give him for his kidneys are actually just cat rufies. As I type this, his head is tucked, leaning on my hand even as I am writing. It can't be comfortable. And his body is squished up on my lap in between the computer and my torso just so he can have a tiny peice of me! If only the rest of the world were on cat rufies I could have whatever I want!!!! I would have movie executives staring at me longingly hoping I will let them pay me millions of dollars! At my next meeting I will slip them some Tapazole.(Or Taffies) (Note: If you are an executive who has a meeting with me, don't be concerned. I hear the pill gives you a nice high akin to chamomile tea. Also, you don't exist as I don't have any meetings coming up.)
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December 15th, 2004
Gym and Suicide

I just called the gym to see if the membership guy was there so I could rejoin. The guy told me to call back at 2:00 when the manager would be there. I really hope that I still have the motivation to join the gym in a half hour. It's like if a suicidal person decides to get some help and calls a hotline and they tell him to call back in a half hour when the counselor is in. They are really messing with that guy's fate. So many things could happen in that half hour! To me, I mean. I could get hungry and then I'd have to put it off until I was done digesting. And then I'd probably get tired and need a nap. And suddenly it's tomorrow, and it's anyone's game. People in charge of these things really need to take these kinds of calls more seriously. I could remain out of shape and it would be their fault. It's so much like that suicidal guy.
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December 7th, 2004
Okay I'm updating

Since all of my copious creative energies are being channeled into other ridiculously important projects, I'll use this forum to promote something that is going wildly unrecognized: The new Butterfinger wafer. Have you tried this work of genius? Oh my God! Let me tell you, Butterfinger (wafer) is not doing its job in promoting its product. This thing is everything Butterfinger wanted to be but got stuck in your teeth while trying! It's what you love about Butterfinger, but without dental work! It's light and airy with all the butterfinger taste!

Excuse me, I just collapsed into a depression.
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