September 30th, 2005
A History of Genius (will not be found here).

I was going through old boxes as I was unpacking and came across some old stories I had written as a child. One thing is clear, my struggle with titling my writing started at an early age. My first story from kindergarten was titled, "The First Day of School, but a Mysterious Day of School". It included a lot of people making "queer faces" and ended with this modest closing: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

This was followed by the "musical" (musical in quotes because while there sure were lyrics, there was never any music) "Curtoys' Mill" a show about poltergeists that involved not only no mill, but no one named Curtoys. It did however involve "tobaggans flying through the air".

Then there was the classic "The Turkey who came for Thanksgiving" no doubt chronicling how I felt at every family event.
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September 29th, 2005

I had to go to JC Penneys to get new contact lenses. While there I was reminded of how when in 9th grade when my friend Stephanie and I had to cut through Sears to get to where we were going she would hold her nose and run. She didn't like the way it smelled in Sears. I never understood that until I got a whiff of the Penney. Let's just say as I was waiting a woman walked by and burped without a care in the world. She didn't look embarrassed, she didn't say excuse me, it didn't make her miss a beat, she just burped. And it was because she knew she was in Penney's and whatever stink she was adding would not change whatever stink was there in the first place. I guess we could say she was Penney literate. It may not make sense but we could say it.

As I was sitting there I was staring at an advertisement for colored contact lenses. If they gave awards to models they should give the guy in that picture the Model Oscar. He managed to look as if he had been told, "Look like you're happy being handsome but you know you could be a lot happier if you were creepy handsome." And then you flip the page and sure enough there he is with inhumanly green eyes looking creepy handsome and happier. If you are ever hiring models I'd look him up.
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September 27th, 2005

I just failed my written driver's test!! I only got 4 wrong out of 18! What?! The lady was so mean to me afterwards too. I said, "Did I fail?!" And she just looked at me, snatched it out of my hand and gave it to the other guy. Oh excuse me, lady! I didn't realize I FAILED YOU personally! Who are you, my mother? This is madness. I have to go back tomorrow. I'm sorry I'm not a drunk so I don't know what my BAC should be!

While I was there there was this anorexic looking woman with bleached blonde hair who had her young son in a stroller with her. He kept saying "mom, mom!" Finally she said, "that's not your mom, that's your step mom!" Later I saw the step mom. She was every bit as anorexic and bleached blonde as his mother, only with ENORMOUS fake boobs. It was crazy! This child is being raised by two playboy playmates. He's going to grow up to be Scott Baio.

I wonder if they passed THEIR test.


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September 26th, 2005
Schwartz & Jones: a love story

I know you are all dying to know, so here is an update sans pictures. But don’t worry there will be pictures soon!!

Dr. Schwartz was taken to the vet because she has a little parasite, but she’s fine. Her name was of much discussion at the vet. Someone apparently had a dentist whose name was Dr. Schwartz. I told him that was interesting but she’s a psychiatrist. It was also confusing because whenever anyone talked about a doctor it made me think they were about to call Schwartz in.

She is massively in love with her older, much larger brother Oakley Jones. You know how doctors are. They always like the blue collar types. (As you may know, Oakley was a very successful basketball player before he retired.) Anyway she follows him around and then flops in front of him shamelessly vying for any bit of attention he might throw at her. They obviously didn’t pass out The Rules in med school. At first if she tried to get close he would get all Ike Turner on her and raise his paw up and go to hit her. In his defense he doesn’t like quick moves and she is all about sprinting and flailing her body in the air at seemingly nothing. The other day she ran down the stairs at breakneck speed and fell through one of the levels of the stairs about three feet and still ran off to play even as she limped. (She was fine the next day.) But just yesterday there was a breakthrough! They touched noses. And today it seems as though he is doing as much following of her as she is of him! And there has been no Ike Turner behavior. I predict they will be in love by tomorrow. Boys. They are soooo easy.

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September 23rd, 2005

The weather lady this morning said, "It's cool this morning," as she pointed across the area to numbers that read in the mid 60's. Then she pointed to a five day forecast that read 72 72 73 74 73 and said, "Welcome to Fall."

I couldn't figure out if she knew she was being funny.
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September 21st, 2005

So two days ago Brett and I were running in the park and there was a highschool track team running as well. At one point I noticed a boy, very sweaty and breathing heavily, pass a girl who was running with ease. I said to Brett, "I bet the only reason that boy passed her is because she's a girl and he thinks it makes him look bad that a girl is beating him." Call it my Charlie's Angel detective school training, but I was sure of it. Mostly because the boy looked like he was going to collapse after he passed her and it wasn't even a race. They were just running for exercise. So today I was running and there was an elementary PE class running. At one point there was only one poor guy, Paulo, left. I know his name was Paulo because people kept yelling, "COME ON PAULO! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PAULO? PAULO, WHAT'S UP??" And then, after the last yell his teacher said, "You got beat by a girl." Almost no one heard but a fellow classmate who started laughing obnoxiously, and me, who wanted to strangle the teacher. And the worst part was, the teacher was a woman.

I don't get on my soap box often, but it realllly infuriates me that being like a girl is a pejorative term, and being like a boy is never considered a bad thing, in fact it's a good thing, at least societally speaking. And I was wondering when I saw the highschool boy pass the girl where he got that from and then I found out. Even women do it. It's ridiculous.

Excuse me, I have to go watch Days of Our Lives and play with my cats.
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September 19th, 2005
How Jennifer Aniston and I are different or What I learned on Oprah today.

She never sleeps. (I would sleep 14-16 hours per day if I wasn't afraid of waking up to find out God had turned me into a cat to punish me.)

She thinks Mexican food is "pig out" food. (Really? I thought that's when I was eating heathily.)

She was married to Brad Pitt. (My husband thinks Angelina Jolie is anorexic and frightening. Save your "Sure, sure" comments for another day.)

She said that she has nothing to be upset about after what the rest of the country and world are going through. She said, "Come on. We have a lot." (I have said the same thing but when I said "we have a lot" I was referring to my George Forman grill and not my five houses, fifteen cars and in house chef. But you know what, maybe we're not so different because when I do have those things, I'll say "we have a lot" too.)


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September 16th, 2005

So Stickerbook played Jill's show. I have never been so intimidated in my life, and that's saying something. I spent all of 7th grade hunched over ready to explain why I existed to anyone who looked in my direction. But it was very fun and Amy Poehler was the nicest person since sliced bread. Does that expression work in this context? No? Come on, you knew what I meant. She kept telling us how nervous SHE was! At one point she said explaining her nerves, "Star studded, y'all." I said to her, "I'm about to play a triangle with a pair of scissors, there's nothing you could do to screw this up." In retrospect you have to wonder, why was I giving Amy Poehler advice? And if I needed to, why did I do it dressed in a purple jumpsuit with a silver miniskirt over it that looked like it was from the future? Regardless, I did and she didn't need it, she was AMAZING. The whole show was great, everyone brought something to the book (Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants) that I didn't expect, it was just terrific. I wish things like that didn't make me feel more out of the loop, not less, but then I wouldn't be me would I?

Also, we have a new kitten. Her name is Dr. Marlena Evans Schwartz. Brett wanted her to have a title, and I wanted her to be a Jew. And a regular cast member of Days Of Our Lives for over 20 years. Thusly, Dr. Marlena Evans Schwartz was born.


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September 15th, 2005
I get a lot of SPAM. Let's analyze it.

Subject: Natasha, you are not alone.
Now do you mean this in an eery way, like someone is on the phone and is calling from inside the house??? Or do you mean it like there is a God? Or do you mean it like—you know what if it’s this confusing I’m not interested.

Subject: Complimentary Desperate Housewives Prize Package - $400 value
Are you offering me all of the Desperate Housewives for $400? That could be interesting. I could make them do anything I want! Like my very own dolls! I could have my very own sassy Latina! Okay, send them over. I’m in.

Subject: Make my night natasha@natashalevinger.com lets meet
You know all you had to do was say my name not within an email and I would have believed you and considered it. I like to make people’s nights! Why not?

Subject: Talk about candy earn 100 bucks natasha@natashalevinger.com
Well listen, now the joke’s on you! I talk about candy here all the time for free! Give me that crisp benjamin for posts past!

Subject: BosleyHairLoss Solution Natasha Levinger classy
Now are they calling ME classy? Or this hair loss solution? And by the way, fuck you. I don’t need hair loss solution.

From: COULD BE GREAT Subject:***SPAM*** Could I be the one natasha@natashalevinger.com
If it weren’t for the word SPAM with asterisks all around it I might have been curious. I mean the subject is compelling. Could (s)he be the one? They make a good point: Could be great. If only this wasn’t spam!


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September 13th, 2005

This is a "conversation" I had with an elderly woman who may or may not be related to me (not my mother).

First, she farted.

Then she said, "I'm gassy!"

Then, she farted again.

Then she said, "I better go to the bathroom. I don't want to get all messy. Something could squirt out when you least expect it."

No, thank YOU.
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September 12th, 2005
Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants

I am in NYC because Stickerbook is playing for the delightful, wonderful Jill Soloway's book reading/signing/extravaganza. Her book is Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants and can I just say that you all have to go out and read it immediately? I l-o-v-e it. That may, just may, be a teensy bit because I fancy her like the sister I never had. Or more accurately like the sister that might actually like me and realized she was a Jew, but let's face it that's essentially the same thing. If you like me, (and if you don't, why are you here? That's kind of masochistic) then you will love this book. Who else went home from camp early and parents were told by camp counselors that they would regret it for the rest of their lives? Jill Soloway! (and me, people, stay with me) Who else had a thing for older men when they really shouldn't have? You guessed it! Who discusses peeing way too freely? Sure, she doesn't like toilet seat covers and I love them, but these things are discussed in the book and that is where the similarities lie. (It also shows the difference in our careers. I blog about toilet seat covers, she writes about it in a book. It's interesting to see it laid out with such clarity.) Do you need to write a book that has uncanny similarities to me for me to like it? I know what I should say.

Anyway if you are in nyc and want to buy a copy of the book, meet Jill and see Stickerbook, come down please! It's actually sold out, but there is a separate lounge area where you can watch it on a big TV and see it for free even! Look in my performance section to get the info. Hope to see you there!
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September 11th, 2005

I know this is a ridiculous conclusion to come to right now, but I recently realized how completely unnecessary and enraging the show I Love the 90's is. Not only does any song by Hootie and the Blowfish not need to be discussed in detail, it certainly does not need to be analyzed by Claudia from Party of Five. Is this really the staple of entertainment cable channels? Random people who were on TV at some point analyzing a song that was on the radio at some point? I am a pop culture junkie (surprise!) and this show made me reassess every decision I've made that led me to the place where I spent five minutes of my time watching it. Hey, maybe that was the point of it! Good job, I Love the 90's!

I just realized I posted this on September 11th. Hello, hypocrite! (I was talking to myself.)
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September 10th, 2005

Look, I'm not hating on New York when I say what I'm going to say. I'm really not. My roots are in New York. The people of New York they accepted me in a way that growing up in California they did not. That said, I LOVE California. It's true what they say about going home. Oh, wait. Not the part about you can never go home again. Well LA isn't home home anyway. But I meant the part about you have to go away and then come back to find out---something about appreciating goes there, you know what I'm talking about. But here is the real point:

The people in customer service are SO NICE!!!! I can't get over it! I feel like someone who has been in an abusive relationship and doesn't realize there are non abusive boyfriends out there until they meet one. We were in Ralph's yesterday and by all accounts I was extremely annoying. I asked this one guy three times where to find different things which, let's be honest, I could have found if I had just bothered to look hard enough. But not only did he not glare, not only did he not grumble, mumble and/or say he didn't know the answer, he actually said, "It's NO problem at all! You're no bother at all!" What?? Who are these people?

I guess they're just happy because they live in a place where the weather's nice all the time and everyone is nice all the time and they can get fresh produce all the time.

However, brett and I tried to go to the ucb opening party last night, drove around for 1/2 hour, couldn't find parking and left. So I guess it isn't perfect.
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September 9th, 2005

Okay it does appear that I get all my information from Oprah, but that's only because I get all my information from Oprah.

I know everyone has been loving Kanye West because of what he said at the telethon, but I now love Kanye West because of what he said on Oprah. He is someone how shy and awkward and completely confident and inspiring at the same time. Oprah said, "I heard you were arrogant." And he said "what happened to rock stars? To Mohamad Ali? To people who were proud of who they are and show it?" I don't know Kanye, but I love you! He also said that he wanted to just make a lot of money so he could sit back and do nothing (a personal dream of mine) but the more he has the more he realized he has a responsiblity to help other people (way to kill the dream, Kanye!). I think this episode was a repeat which only shows he was a man of his word. He is a true inspiration. Okay! Time for a nap!
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September 8th, 2005

It's surprising I haven't mentioned the animals earlier, but I had to at least once. I saw a vet on TV who lived w/o food and water for 7 days with 18 cats and over 20 dogs and 2 hamsters until they could get rescued. The least I could do was force my views on my faithful readers.
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September 7th, 2005
Ugh.

I was going to write about how good It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia was last night, but then I saw Oprah’s report on the hurricane and I couldn’t bring myself to. I am serious. I know Oprah used to be a reporter so I shouldn’t be surprised, but it was the most graphic, most revealing report I’ve seen on the hurricane. Did you know that in the superdome people were raping babies? Gangs started forming, teenagers were wearing firearms and were waiting in the bathrooms for children to go and raped and killed some of them. People stopped using the bathrooms and ending up shitting and urinating on the floor because they were too afraid to go to the bathroom. They set up morgues in the airport where people just went to die because they weren’t being treated. People are lying on the streets by the side of the road dead and rotting. The mayor was talking to Oprah and said that people were handing him their dying babies, and then he had to walk away because he was too upset. The chief of police broke down in tears when he was talking about the babies being raped and how he felt so helpless knowing they didn’t have the manpower to do anything about it. It’s just so enraging that this is happening. There is NO way this would be happening in a rich or even middle class white community. It just wouldn’t. Never mind the fact that these people have no jobs or houses now. Sorry, I know you don’t come here for this, my three readers. I’ll leave you with a better image.

Brett and I bought our first piece of art the other day. We got it in Ralph’s. They were having an art sale!


Get it? He’s dressed as Indiana Jones!

Oy.

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September 6th, 2005
Unsettling development

Why do I like Matchbox 20 when I'm driving in my car? When I'm not in my car I seem to regain my senses. Will Matchbox 20 be the only example of this? Will I suddenly like Nickelback when I'm driving? Stay tuned.
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September 3rd, 2005
A break from Katrina coverage (I know this is your first stop for that)for a story.

On the Wednesday before I left Jon was kind enough to take me to the cable company so I wouldn’t have to wait for them to pick up the boxes. I walked in and a security guard told me where to sit and Jon went off to apparently the library section of the cable company to read about the OC.

As I was sitting in the non library section a man who gave off an air of anger directed at no one and everyone aggressively walked up to the area where the seats were and started pacing a little. The security guard, trying to assess what he wanted said, “You can sit there to return a box.” The guy said, “I want a job!” and looked at him like it was crazy to think he wanted to return a box. He sat down for a second and then got up and stood next to me. I didn’t think it was possible to feel someone angry when they weren’t saying anything, but I was wrong about that. I could definitely feel that he was angry.

The security guard tapped on a poster advertising jobs at Time Warner and said, “You have to apply online.” The guy scoffed at him and said, “I don’t know anything about computers!” The security guy said, “You have to apply online.” The guy scoffed again. “I don’t know anything about computers!” The security guard said, “You have to apply online.” It seemed they both knew were they stood. I could feel the guy getting angrier next to me so I debated it for a second but then said, “There’s no way to get him an application?” The security guard said, “He has to apply online.” The guy said, “I don’t know anything about computers.” Right. They were nothing if not consistent. It did seem kind of ridiculous to me that he couldn’t fill out an application in person, so I thought what the heck, I’ll say so. So I did. The angry guy agreed with me. “It’s crazy!” he said. The security guard said, “Do you have a driver’s license? You need one to work here.” The guy said, "I don’t have any of that! I’ve never had a job before!” The security guard was talking me now. “He needs a driver’s license to drive to calls.” I nodded, understanding. Then the security guard said to the guy, “Do you have your GED?” The guy said, “No! I don’t have any of that!” The security guard said, “Well you need that.” He said, “I don’t have any of that!” I guess the security guard didn’t want to repeat “You need that” so he left.

That left me, an old lady at the end, and the angry guy. The guy stood in front of me, stewing. Jon came from the library and handed me a TV Guide. “Read about the OC he said” and disappeared again. I looked at the angry guy and feeling guilty that I was going to read about the OC when he was clearly upset I said, “You should get your GED. It would be really helpful so you can get other jobs.” The guy said, “I don’t have any of that!” I said, “I know, but maybe you should get your GED. I bet it would be helpful.” He just looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about, and in retrospect, I think he didn’t know what I was talking about. So he continued to stand in front of me and look very angry. Finally, the old lady spoke. “You should get your GED. My daughter did and she can finally make some real money. You seem like an intelligent guy. If you got your anger under control and got your GED you could make something of your life. Don’t you want to do that?” I looked at him with a mix of fear that that anger comment was going to push him over the edge and hope that it wouldn’t. He just looked at us like, “Who the hell are these crazy bitches?” After a few minutes he left.

Then Jon came back. He asked me if I read about the OC. I said, ‘Not yet.” The old lady left and then returned quickly. She had a look on her face like a child who had an accident. She said, “I feel so degraded. They don’t have bathrooms here.” I think she was an older person who had an accident. Jon said he was sorry to hear that and understood her frustration, but I don’t think he understood what happened. We went to the back to return the boxes and I said to him, “I think she went to the bathroom in her pants!” Jon said no, it’s just degrading not to have a bathroom when you’re older. I said no. It’s frustrating. It’s inconvenient. But it isn’t degrading. She wet her pants. And that’s degrading.

As we left Jon said, “That was sure an interesting few minutes.” We started to drive off when we saw the old lady sort of wandering. She looked like she was calling a cab but there were no cabs anywhere, nor would there be in this weird industrial part of Brooklyn. She didn’t seem to notice this. After some debate about if she would get pee in his car we agreed we should take her to a bathroom. We pulled up to her. “Can we take you somewhere?” “Okay” she said, like she was expecting us. We asked her where we could take her. She said to the subway. “Do you want us to take you to McDonald’s over here so you can use the bathroom?” Jon asked. “No, “she said, “If I go there I’ll eat the McGriddle. I don’t want to do that, it’s really bad for you.” I understood. The McGriddle is really good.

She totally peed her pants. It’s sad!

It was a weird day at the cable company.

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September 2nd, 2005

I was listening to New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin talk to a radio station at his wits end and he said the one good thing president bush did was send this "John Wayne" guy over. He was talking about Lt. Gen. Russel Honore. He said Lt. Honore came out of the helicopter swearing and barking orders and finally things started getting done. THANK GOD. I think I have my new hero. This is from CNN:

CNN's Barbara Starr, who is traveling with the three-star general, said Honore is "very determined to keep this looking like a humanitarian relief operation. A few moments ago, he stopped a truck full of National Guard troops ... and said, 'Point your weapons down, this is not Iraq,'" Starr reported.

I love that man. But mostly I am just so glad those people are getting help, albeit FAR too late. It's the most upsetting thing I've ever seen, including 9/11. Even though that was tragic beyond words, living there I felt firsthand how it brought out the best in everyone. It gave me new joy for humanity. This is the complete opposite. I really can't help but think if most of the victims weren't poor and black this situation would not have gotten this out of control.
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September 1st, 2005
dear lord

I moved today and on the way to LA I watched TV the whole time on Jet Blue. Now normally this would be an ideal way to spend my time, but I was watching all of the hurricane disaster news reports. I don't understand what is going on over there! Why are there no police? Why is there an entire huge section of the population not getting food and water for FOUR days? Why is it that Harry Connick Jr. seems to be the only person who can get to the people of New Orleans? Seriously, what is going on? The reporters are saying that it's getting "scary" down there and they will have to leave because no one is being policed and people are going crazy from lack of food and water. What are we a third world country? This is crazy! If Harry Connick Jr. can call into CNN after going down to the area where people can't get food and water, why can't the police get down there to deal with the "undesirables" (one reporter's words) and then give food and water to people? It's really scary! I gave money as most people did, but what good is it doing if we aren't giving it to the victims?

Also, I've missed Days two days in row. I know. I KNOW. Believe me, I know where the real tragedy lies.
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