July 28th, 2005

Look, I'm just going to get it out there, I have been watching Blow Out. It's worse than admitting I have been watching Days of Our Lives because at least I started watching that as a comedy show. (Marlena has amnesia now! They still do that on soap operas, I had no idea. So 60's. Maybe it's retro/hip.) Anyway, for those of you who don't know, Blow Out is a reality show about the hair dresser Jonathan somethingorother. He is the most self absorbed, delusional person I have ever seen on television and as I just mentioned, I watch Days of Our Lives. In a talk with his staff he actually said, "We are like DOCTORS." And then he just stared at them defiantly without explaining exactly how they are like doctors. I guess he thought that was understood, but I for one am still dying for an explanation. He is such a meglomaniac it's stunning. Everyone needs to watch this show immediately and feed his ego until he becomes as huge as he thinks he is and saves all our lives with one giant sweep of his now life sized healing scissors.
Comments (2)
Permalink

July 27th, 2005

I haven’t had much time to write here, but here’s some sort of an update:

I love Rescue Me. This show is so good! I don’t understand why it took a 2 month vacation and now is back as if it didn’t disappear, but I’m not going to question it. I don’t want it to get mad at me and go away in spite. This “season” (I don’t feel comfortable calling it a new season when it just went away for a little bit) is better than the last and the last was pretty good.

Cesar Milan, a.k.a. the Dog Whisperer, is probably the second coming of Christ. It’s just a guess. Yesterday he had some guy on his show who had an overactive tiny dog and then suddenly the voice over said, “Cesar had a feeling something deeper was going on in Ted’s life to have caused the problem with Scrawny.” Where did Cesar get that idea? All Ted said was that he felt bad for Scrawny because he was so tiny. Well I don’t know how Cesar knew, but far be it for me to question him because two minutes later Ted is crying about his daughter who was taken away from him and put in foster care and two minutes after that Scrawny is fine. If anyone wants some to turn some water into wine I suggest buying a dog and showing up at Cesar’s Dog Psychology Center.

Comments (0)
Permalink

July 26th, 2005
KROQ suxx

Why is it that the only rock station in NYC only plays music from the early 90’s? Every time I turn on KROQ they are playing Stone Temple Pilots, Jane’s Addiction and then this morning…Pearl Jam. I remember having an argument with my ex-boyfriend in 1992 that Pearl Jam would be successful past their second album and if we believe KROQ I was right! They are HUGE! I live in NYC (for one more month) I shouldn’t have to listen to a Seattle radio station (KEXP) to hear good music, should I? Is it ironic that a Seattle based radio station isn't playing Pearl Jam and a nyc station is? Or is that only ironic in a mid 90's Alanis Morisette way? Am I still talking? All I'm saying is there should be a good radio station in New York. Somebody get on that.

I just saw a three year old and a five year old playing basketball. Well, the three year old flung the ball up in the air, landing it on her feet. The five year old flung it up and it went in the basket! He then turned to his (I'm assuming) sister with a look like, "See? That's how you do it." Boys! Maybe she wanted to land it on her feet. That's a fun game too!

Comments (2)
Permalink

July 25th, 2005

So for reasons that are really ridiculous I googled the word algorithm. This is what I found: The term algorithm (pronounced AL-go-rith-um) is a procedure or formula for solving a problem. The word derives from the name of the mathematician, Mohammed ibn-Musa al-Khwarizmi.

Algorithm derives from the name of the mathematician, Mohammed ibn-Musa al-Khwarizmi? What? Algorithm doesn’t sound anything like Mohammed ibn-Musa al-Khwarizmi!
Now I know that all of my math teachers have been liars. I probably knew a bunch of stuff that I didn’t know I knew and they were just trying to save face so they made stuff up to look good! It’s one thing if I don’t understand a Calculus (read: Geometry) problem and they give me their mathy mumbo jumbo and I walk away nodding like I understand and then file it away in my “I am stupid with the numbers” file. It’s another thing when you explain something to me using real words! Words are my thing, math geeks! You think I’m gonna buy that algorithm derives from the name of the mathematician, Mohammed ibn-Musa al-Khwarizmi because there’s an “al” in Mo’s name? Just say you don’t know where it comes from, you don’t have to know everything smarty pants!

Ahem. So I looked up the word algorithm to see if the lyrics to H to the Izzo could be defined as one:

He who does not feel me
Is not real to me
Therefore, does not exist
(vamoos, sonofabitch)

I guess if Jay Z was having a problem with those people who didn’t “feel” him then maybe if he applied the…oh never mind. Let’s face it, it’s just an ordinary hypothesis.

Brett wanted to make sure I knew that it was in fact actually derived from that guy. And then he made me say his name like four times to show me how it sounds like algorithm. Guess what? It doesn’t. Please. Mathys. So silly!

Comments (5)
Permalink

July 21st, 2005
Hot town, summer in the city!

Hot weather in NYC = men sitting on their stoops without their shirts on who have no business sitting on their stoops without their shirts on.

In direct contrast to that, at the gym yesterday I saw a man dressed in full suit atire, not including the jacket but including suspenders, dress socks and dress shoes using the machines. I use the term "using" lightly, as he would do about ten reps of each machine and then move on quickly. I guess he didn't want to sweat in his suit! Oh, I forgot to mention he was wearing a Yankees cap. Of course he was a Yankees fan.
Comments (0)
Permalink

July 19th, 2005
Next time I will keep the book closed

So I’m going through my things, getting rid of stuff so this move doesn’t cost one million dollars, and I happen across my jr. high yearbook.

Here is just a sampling of quotes:

“You’re the weirdest person I know! Stay that way.”
“Your so nice—your soooooo weird. You make things so fun and funny.”
“Hi! It’s been great knowing someone as weird as you, and I hope that you stay weird all summer, okay?”
“Even though your obnoxious, I still love ya.”
“You are a very bizarre person. (that’s a compliment, who wants to be normal?)”

Who wants to be normal, Sarah? I did! And guess what, so did you! You did not think that was a compliment! I have never met a girl in the throes of puberty who said longingly to anyone, “I just want to be weird.” Why did people feel so comfortable completely insulting me? Although I did notice how everyone felt obligated to say something nice after they said what is probably the worst insult you can give a 12 year old girl. So, no Serena from 7th grade, at the time I hoped I didn’t stay weird all summer!

I think this one sums it all up:

“I’m not sure how to put this. It was different having a locker next to you.”

Comments (5)
Permalink

July 14th, 2005

So the Emmy nominations were announced this morning and I couldn't be happier about something that doesn't affect me at all! But I really am pleased with it. Not only do my Six Feet Under and Arrested Development get recognized, but so does Huff! My friend told me Hank Azaria is a douche in real life, but I refuse to acknowledge that and instead am thrilled. And not only he but Oliver Platt and Blythe Danner were also nominated! The only one left out was the woman playing his wife, Paget Brewster, who I love and is SO GOOD on this show, but I can't be too greedy a Malloy. Or Levinger. Next year though, Emmy decision making people. NEXT YEAR.
I have no idea what that means.


Comments (2)
Permalink

July 13th, 2005
No!!!!!

Why Jon Cusack , why?

Okay, I actually have the answer. Jon Cusack has been kidnapped and taken to some remote country far, far away from his friends and family. He is currently tunneling his way back to Chicago (doesn’t he live there?) with only a rock and makeshift shovel made out of a piece of bark so he can get there before Friday to stop the opening of this movie and reveal to us that the actor in Must Love Dogs is actually his clone.

That is the only reasonable explanation I can think of.

UPDATE:
Oh my God, I just went to IMDB and looked at his credits. His clone took over after High Fidelity! Aside from the Con Air credit that I refuse to acknowledge his choices in work were spotless! Someone needs to save John Cusack from his clone!
Comments (10)
Permalink

July 13th, 2005
You are terrible, but not for why you think you are.

So, two women and I get onto the elevator. One of them pushed the elevator doors to close quickly so no one else could get on. She turns to her friend.

"Am I a terrible person? You can tell me if I'm a terrible person."

"No! You're not."

(I think: eh, you're kind of a terrible person. You could have waited to see if anyone else wanted to get on.)

She says, "I was tossing and turning all night last night."

(Oh, there's another reason you might be a terrible person. Never mind. I'll wait to hear it before I judge you.)

her friend says, "I'm sure. I wish you could just tell him."

"I can't tell him!"

"I know. I just wish you could."

(At this point I get nervous that I'm not going to hear the conclusion of this story as the doors start to open.)

"What am I going to say to him?"
(she exits the elevator)
"I love you so much honey but I slept with your co-worker?"

Ding ding ding! Verdict in: yes, you are terrible, lady on the elevator.

Maybe not for shutting the doors, maybe not for sleeping with your boyfriend's coworker, but definitely for being an annoying drama queen.

Tune in next week for more judgments espoused by yours truly!
Comments (0)
Permalink

July 10th, 2005

I got a hold of an advanced copy (although I think it's available now) of a new book featuring the writing of the hilarious and talented Jill Soloway(co-executive producer of Six Feet Under and other things more noted for their hilarity than a show about a funeral home) called Three Kinds of Asking for It, edited by Susie Bright. It’s a collection of erotic novellas but Jill’s story is more like a funny version of Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret. Sure, Are You There God doesn’t say “erotic novella” on the front, but I think that’s just because it was behind the times. Anyway, her story is about a 14 year old girl who has a crush on her friend’s father. In my teenage years one of my friends had a crush on my father (and she was evil so thank God my father wasn’t a pedophile!), but I was never on the other end of it. It did make me a little squeamish at times, but that’s what happens sometimes when you are reading something honest. As I said before it was also very funny. Her sister in the book wants a breast reduction and Jodi K says, “That’s because she’s confusing them with her fat! She wears those sweatshirts all the time so from her neck to her waist is all one thing! And it’s not! There’s her boobs and then there’s her stomach and they ARE NOT ALL ONE THING.” As I re read this I realized it may be hard to distinguish between me talking as myself and me quoting a passage supposedly written by a 14 year old girl, so that’s where I’m coming from. Mostly I love stories where the main character talks so clearly like teenagers who are so exasperated all the time even about their sisters getting “their boobs chopped off.”

First book review! I will soon be writing a piece in the Metro about bathroom habits in the workplace so don’t worry, my foray into the literary world will be brief.
Comments (0)
Permalink

July 9th, 2005

I am watching a documentary on Meerkats. It's the saddest most depressing show I've ever seen! Don't pretend you're going to show me a story about adorable sweet family oriented Meerkats and then make it all about death and how attached they are to each other! I didn't sign up for this! This is sadder than Terms of Endearment! Brett keeps saying, "It's got to redeem itself soon." No it doesn't! It's relentless! They're all getting killed one by one and then lie with each other licking each other to comfort each other. Sample quote: "He started to dig, but it's all in vain. Now it is just a grave." Then Digger (name given by his mother) and his sister are the only ones left after the rest of his family has all been eaten! "Digger's will to survive makes him want to press on, but his sister's spirit is broken. He will not abandon her. He goes off to get food for them . When he comes back to find her, his sister is dead." I thought these shows were supposed to have like one or two deaths, tops!

This is like Party of Five only where they all end up dead and starving. Actually, I wouldn't have minded if Claudia and Julia had gotten picked off. But I really wouldn't want to watch Bailey starving by himself getting chased off by potential adoptive families! No wonder this Meerkat show isn't a hit drama on Fox.
Comments (1)
Permalink

July 8th, 2005

I was asked to find something on the internets for someone at work. The internets! Where I spend 95% of my time on a bad day. My first thought was, “Irene will be able to do this better and quicker than I will.” My next thought was, “I am more useless here than I had ever previously imagined.”
Comments (0)
Permalink

July 6th, 2005
Thank you, Paul West

Best title for a movie ever.
Comments (0)
Permalink

July 6th, 2005

I have been up to my ears in writing so I have neglected ye, my faithful readers! You even have a book review to look forward to! Well, a booklet review. No, it’s an actual book but only one story from it. How’s that for suspense?!

The other night I was playing a game with three people where two people have to say what actor would play the other person in a movie, and then the person has to say who they think would play them. I was very pleased with most of what people said about me, only because I can only remember Madeline Kahn and I blocked out everyone else. That is until Kevin (Hines) (Cragg, you will be referred to as such) Zach and I played. We started with Kevin Hines. Zach immediately said, “I got it!” Which surprised Kevin and I because we had no idea who would play him in a movie. Zach, who I’m pretty sure is as much a lightweight as I am, seemed drunk on probably one beer. I wasn’t watching his intake, so that may be an unfair guess. Anyway he said Kevin would be played by Alec Baldwin. I found this hilarious and inaccurate, Kevin though it was flattering but untrue, and Zach stuck by his claim that this was a “perfect assessment!” Then it was my turn. Zach again announced almost immediately, “I got it!” He whispered it to Kevin who said (I think barely concealing a laugh) “that’s very flattering.” To which of course I got upset, even though I had no idea who it was. “Flattering! Who could be so amazing I should be so flattered?!” Kevin tried to defend himself by assuring me I was attractive, but there are movie stars out there. That did not help his argument. I insisted Zach just tell me. He did.

“Charlize Theron.”

That’s when I realized it was ridiculous to play with Zach. He gets very complimentary when he’s had a drink. Kevin derided me for being upset with him in the first place, “you were upset with me and now you agree!” Please. I didn’t realize who we were playing with.

Oh and then Zach said for himself, Gareth from the Office. I realize some people read this who don’t know any of these people so it will be a boring entry. But just for clarification, Zach idealizes everyone else and undersells himself as far as this game goes.

Comments (0)
Permalink