June 29th, 2007
Hey Paula, you are a mess! Thank you!

So Paula Abdul has a new reality show. It's like Breaking Bonaduce if Danny was an unsympathetic, megalomaniacal, deluded asshole. So I guess it's only like Breaking Bonaduce in that it's like watching a train wreck and watching a train wreck is fun! Watching Paula try to control her rage because her assistants didn't pack her a comfortable pair of jeans is fun! Watching Paula slur her words and blame everyone around her for all of her mistakes is fun! I am a horrible person and that is fun!

This show is fantastic.
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June 28th, 2007
The Police: as I saw it.

I've been waiting until I had time to write in full detail about my experience at The Police concert, but that isn't going to happen so I'm going to tell it partial detail:

1. The Police--disappointing. You may think differently you, you person who was also there and thought differently! It's just like, my opinion, man.

2. The real show was in front of me which entailed:

a. A woman who started out dancing like she was on her way to a business meeting but couldn't help but get her groove on a little as she walked there, which then progressed to lots of hip movements (some might say unnecessary hip movements) and an eventual making out with her husband (most would say unnecessary making out).

b. A VERY drunk woman standing in front of me, not in a seat, who started out by giving me the heavy metal sign as she danced and progressed to mouthing "fuck you!" to me because she thought I told her to sit down. I didn't, but I'll admit I was pleased when the guy next to me did. The woman with the guy next to me then decided to start a fight with her, initiating it by saying, "You're standing in front of her!" I'll admit I was a little scared when she roped me into it, but the fear went away when she clearly could back her talk up with action. She proceeded to smack the lady in the head not once, but three times. The drunk lady left and the other lady winked at me like I was on her team. I guess we could say I was on her team, but when it came time for smacking I would have cowered and motioned for her to do it.

You may wonder what a detailed report of the concert was like. It involved some analysis of the band I went to see.
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June 25th, 2007
I think I will only have conversations with children from now on.

At the park a little girl ran up to me.

Girl: I like you.

Me: Thank you!

Girl: We're girls.

Me: Yes, yes we are.


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June 25th, 2007
A living dichotomy.

My best friend from high school came to visit with her husband and six year old son Baxter. Baxter and I were petting one of my cats at the top of the stairs.

Baxter: Cats are one of my favorite animals.

Me: Oh yeah? What's another one?

Baxter: Snakes.

Me: Hm!

Baxter: Cat eating snakes.
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June 21st, 2007
I am a Cathy cartoon strip. Sorry!

The other night Brett and I went out to eat and shared a chocolate souffle for dessert. It was SO GOOD. I bit into it and felt like I was floating. Oh God, I wish I was exaggerating. If anyone doubts that a sugar addiction is a real thing, that last sentence should erase that notion. Anyway we had this conversation:

Me: When I eat something like this I feel like someone should walk by me and say, "Get a room." It feels...private.

Brett: You finish it.
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June 19th, 2007
Well, the decision was made for me.

If I was on the fence trying to decide between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, she just made sure I, and those like me, run head first into Obama's arms, I mean camp. Yikes.

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June 18th, 2007
Rick and Rosie.

Someone googled "how does rosie o'donnell feel about rick springfield?" to get to my blog. I would like to know the answer to that question. I'm surprised anyone else would. I wonder what they found out! I mean aside from how cute Harper is.
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June 17th, 2007
Okay well.

I loved Flight of the Conchords before their new show on HBO, but now. But NOW. The show is even better than I hoped it would be, and I hoped it would be GREAT. It's just so good I could implode. But if I do that I wouldn't be able to watch it, so I'm not going to. But just know, I could.

I know it's hard to follow a show I love that much, but I have a question. When they make terrible romantic comedies, do they just cast Kate Hudson automatically? Me, You and Dupree? More like You, Me and Debris! Huh? Huh? You with me? Okay, sorry. Don't let that little outburst stop you from trusting me about Flight of the Conchords.
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June 17th, 2007
The day for fathers by fathers! Or my new clothing line: FFBF

I wish I had a picture of Brett and Harper to post here but 1. Brett would have to code it, and I don't want to make him work on Father's Day and 2. I feel like I've been Harper picture post heavy here and I should freaking cool my jets. But regardless, Harper is the luckiest lady in the entirety of entirety. Last week I was sick so Brett kind of had a Father's Week, shlepping our girl around to her various activities. He actually does a lot of that anyway, I am just also there. After the week ended he determined that if he was the sole stay at home parent it would eventually emasculate him. He came home from the park one day and said about some parents, "Joe is really negative. He was talking badly about Shelly and I don't like it... I don't think Diane likes me." He shook his head realizing how he sounded and said, "I have to go kill an animal with my bare hands now."

P.S. We got a flickr account so I don't need him to code pictures anymore! Haha! Take that! Okay, so just to be true to my cooling of jets, this will be the last picture for awhile. For the sake of over-cute-ifying the blogarini.


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June 14th, 2007
I am not holding it against him!

I'm just wondering, why does Clooney do the voice over for Budweiser? Just because it makes him more money? Because he has lots of money already. Do you think he knows that? Do you think he really loves Budweiser and he's doing it as a favor to the people of the world who don't know about it? Why is he so thoughtful? I think I'm going to have a Bud and I think I'm going to love it!

In other news, I'm going to the dentist next week. For the first time in my life I've flossed every day for the last six months. If I don't get an "A" I'm going to be pissed.

I can't believe I ever thought I liked the Cavs. That was a very impulsive decision. I have re-thought it and come out on top.
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June 13th, 2007
My NBA love is fickle. If you aren't a Knick.

The Cavs suck. They reminded me how annoying it is to be a Knicks fan. They take you all the way to the Finals (what? They did a few times!) and then take a big dump once they get there. I hate it when *I* want the win more than they do! Don't you see, Cavs?? You have to CARE!! I can't be doing all the work in this relationship! And frankly, I haven't know you that long anyway. So, I'm sorry to say; I'm outta here.

On the bright side, it was lovely to see my Jeffy (Jeff Van Gundy) has disabused himself of his hair plugs. His shiny bald scalp was a welcome sight.
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June 11th, 2007
Sleep, perchance to live.

I almost returned to the land of normal people this week. I am taking a class tomorrow, and I thought I was going to go to two concerts in two weeks. What? Who is that person? A normal person who doesn't go to bed at 8:00, that's who! Except I waited too long to get Format tickets and now they're sold out. But next week my BFF from high school is coming to visit and we are going to see The Police. I may even stay out past TEN O'CLOCK. Don't get crazy, I have it all planned out and I intend to nap for a good part of the next day. And the next. I'll hire a fucking nanny, but I'm going to get that Goddamn sleep back. This turned sour. The point is, my life as I knew it is returning. I welcome it back, sleepily.
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June 8th, 2007
And she wouldn't be wearing that awesome bandanna either.

We were watching the Karate Kid and when Elisabeth Shue came on Brett pointed out that if it were made today they would have made the actress be 20 pounds thinner than Elisabeth Shue was. So horribly true and depressing. On the other hand, Ralph Macchio was sporting his own heroin chic look. Maybe if all actresses who were rail thin ended every movie by kicking ass while standing on one leg, I could get behind the whole starving yourself/coke addiction thing.
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June 8th, 2007
Blech blech blech.

This whole Paris Hilton mess taking up the news instead of the real news is so upsetting to me. I feel like I need a shower. The worst part is I actually feel sorry for her. I should NOT feel sorry for her! But I do. Blech. This is how we are educating Harper so she does not turn out like Ms. Hilton:



And this is how she looks at cashiers and how we are training her to look at Paris Hilton if they ever run into each other:



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June 7th, 2007
Go Cavs!

I have decided to watch the NBA Finals even though the Knicks are soooo not involved, because this Lebron James character is supposed to be the next Michael Jordan, AND because I strongly dislike Tony Parker. I just don't like how he and Eva Longoria parade around together. They seem tacky. That's all I needed to be invested in this series. But I just heard the most ridiculous commentating:

Mike Breen: Is there anything Tim Duncan CAN'T do?

D-bag commentator: He's a scientist!

Me: No. No he isn't. Stop talking.

Too bad the Cavs are not going to win.
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June 7th, 2007
Monkey in the middle.

This park we go to makes me feel like we live in a small town. We know a lot of the people now and have made friends with some of them. Brett speaks German with a couple that go there, Harper charms adults and kids alike. So today when I heard that a woman who always comes with her very friendly dog, Jake, was getting a ticket for not having him on a leash, I felt badly for her. Now, I don't know her well, but we've had a few conversations. I was about to walk up to her as I was leaving (holding Harper) and tell her I was sorry, but before I could she started talking to me:

Woman whose name I forgot: They're going to take me and Jake to jail.

Me: What?

WWNIF: Yes. They are going to take us to jail because I didn't have him on a leash. I don't have my ID on me so they're taking us to jail.

I look over at one of the cops and walk over to him.

Me: Sir, she's here all the time, she lives right around the corner.

Cop: (Looking at me like he has been beaten down, REFUSING to look at her, and ONLY looking at me) We're not taking her to jail.

Me: Oh. Okay. (I turn to WWNIF) They're not taking you to jail.

WWNIF: Oh really? Well then ask him why one minute he's telling me he is and the next he's not!

I turn to him.

Cop: (looking like he's in a sketch of a husband whose wife is nagging at him all day) We just need to find out who she is in our system. As soon as we do, we'll give her a ticket for having a dog off a leash and she can go home.

Me: Oh. Okay. (I turn to WWNIF) They're not taking you to jail. They just need to find out who you are.

WWNIF: Did you tell him WHY I have the dog off the leash? Because all the kids ask me to because they love him?

Me: Uh. (I turn to the cop, reluctantly) He's a really friendly dog.

Cop: I know. I'm a dog person. He just can't be off the leash.

Me: Okay. She's probably just very shaken up. It's scary getting a ticket.

Cop: I understand. I know.

Me: (internal dialogue: You are having a hard day. This lady seems crazy! She told me once about how her teenage daughter hates her and I'm starting to understand why!) (to lady) Okay, just take a deep breath. You'll be home soon.

Harper is going to think I'm crazy once she speaks English.
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June 6th, 2007
It's only getting worse.

Last night on HBO In Her Shoes was playing. First sign something is wrong with me: I watched it. Second sign: I enjoyed it. If I happen to see some of Failure to Launch on a movie channel and like it, I may be a clone. Can you be a clone and not know you are one? I smell a hit movie!*



*Brett just told me that idea was in Blade Runner. I TOLD you I smelled a hit movie!
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June 5th, 2007
Like I would have! I already have the complete works!

I ordered the latest Augusten Burroughs book and instead received "London", a novel on cassette. And not just ONE but FOUR cassettes. A novel about London? They couldn't come up with a main character more interesting than the city itself? Who a) has a tape player they use regularly, and b) wants to hear about the "sweeping saga" of London that lasts four tapes? The person who got my book must have been equally disappointed to receive Possible Side Effects. I don't think we have much in common. At least I hadn't ordered Rick Springfield: The complete works.
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June 4th, 2007
Not EVERYthing they do is cute. But okay, most of it.

Apparently cats will pee in the same area that they have peed before if they can still detect the scent. Also apparently, Sir Winston Gregory the cat betrayed his regal name and pissed in our dryer. Guys? It's hard to get cat piss out of a dryer. So just moments ago as I sit here minding my own business I hear Greg the cat jump over the gate that's supposed to stop him from going near Harper's room when she's sleeping, and jump into the dryer. I didn't like what either of those noises indicated but the dryer one was definitely worse. Maybe he was celebrating the passing of the law that makes neutering cats and dogs mandatory. Or maybe he was just ensuring that Brett and I will have no friends because we will stink of cat piss. That cat is like an abusive husband. He wants us all to himself.

Update: He didn't pee! Thank God. I still should clean the dryer again. But for tonight, we are pee-free.
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June 1st, 2007
It was 40 years ago today...

I don't care if it's been talked about to death, it's still amazing. I can't imagine hearing Sgt. Pepper's for the first time when it came out. Why is it that no one can do what the Beatles did, even all these years later? Why are they so G-damn perfect?? G-dammit! (I just like saying G damn.) I love The Beatles so much I could pinch their cheeks off!
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June 1st, 2007
What might be a sign of my downfall:

I have been using emoticons and feeling comfortable with it.
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