April 30th, 2005

Anyone who knows me and watches Project Greenlight will think this is obvious, but I love John Gulager. Oh my God, is he the cutest, sweetest, most talented guy ever? One of them! If you don't watch that show you should because he is the quintessential underdog and so deserving of success. He has no idea how to communicate with anyone but so clearly has a vision in his head which he seems to be acheiving! He's a quiet, awkward genius!

That's all. I just had to report on my love of the Guls.
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April 29th, 2005

F: Do you think she has the power to garner that kind of influence?

S: No I don’t. Not at all.

F: Did you know who was running the meeting today?

S: Yes.

F: Who was running the meeting?

S: The boss of the principal.

F: That’s right.

I overheard the previous conversation on the bus last night. It was between a father and his 10 year old son. Why was that boy in a meeting?! And why is that father checking in with a ten year old boy about tactical moves? Shouldn’t the ability to determine power plays be developed a little later in life?
I was trying to hear more but was distracted by a man aggressively doling affection on his girlfriend. It was an obsequious train wreck, the kind of thing I would fast forward by if I saw it on Days of Our Lives, but luckily that show seems to know it’s a comedy and doesn’t have too many love scenes. He was taking her face in his hands and stroking it like he hadn’t eaten in a week and was about to bite into it and devour it. If any man did that to me even in private I would puke and then break up with them. I only act that way with my cats! (I’m totally kidding. If I did that to Starks he would puke on me and then run away. And then come back because he was hungry, but still. He has a good moral compass.)

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April 28th, 2005

I heard on the radio today that the ivory beaked woodpecker, thought to be extinct for 60 years, has made an appearance in Kansas! I have no idea why this story touched me so much, but it made me tear up this morning. Then I heard that one of the scientists, after seeing it, got off of his canoe (that’s where you look for these things) and wept. It made me feel less melodramatic (read: at the whim of my hormones) when I heard that he had such a strong reaction and chose to disregard the fact that this man had spent his life dedicated to this field so it was slightly more warranted in his case. He said that he had always thought the ivory beaked woodpecker wasn’t gone forever and when he saw it, it was like his dreams had come true. Of course this is just like on Days of Our Lives when Jenepher (I’m going to assume she spells it that way) was convinced Jack wasn’t really dead and then he showed up very much alive just yesterday at her daughter’s hospital bedside on her 17th birthday! That’s right, Jack is back! And, fingers crossed, he won’t have to tell her had sex with the clone who he thought was Jenepher, but was soon revealed not be her at all. I don’t think it’s cheating if it’s with a clone, and you don’t know it is one. If you know, then you get into some sketchy territory.

Apparently a quick check of my stats on this site shows that if you google, “Hank Azaria shirtless” you’ll find me fourth on the list. I just want to go on record as saying I have never discussed Hank Azaria shirtless. I’ve discussed making him fall in love with me just to toy with him before I die of a brain tumor, but I have never discussed him shirtless. But Huff is coming back and I am thrilled! It’s just like the ivory beaked woodpecker! I wasn’t sure if it was coming back but… okay it’s nothing like that. But I’m still thrilled.

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April 27th, 2005
whatever happened to etc.?

The woman who sits next to me has a habit of saying, “and everything” after statements that do not need this qualification.

“She’s going to be on TV now…and everything.” (Referring to her niece who was in a school bus accident.)

“So then she went to the doctor…and everything.” (What exactly does “everything” entail in this context?)

“I saw one of the kids interviewed. He was saying, ‘I thought we were going to die!’ (lots of laughter here)…and everything.” (I have no idea why she thought that was funny)

“I don’t know what to say to yous…and everything.” (“yous” is not a typo.)

It’s not just her, either. There is a guy who sits behind me who says, “and that type of thing” after everything. Examples:

“So it was a great vacation and that type of thing.” (What type of thing is that?)

“I appreciate your help and that type of thing.” (I’m not offering that type of thing. I only offered my help on specifically one project. Let’s not snowball that help into any type of thing.)

The grammar gods are spinning in their graves…and that type of thing!

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April 25th, 2005

Clifford the mail guy is the cutest, sweetest thing in the entire universe. He is cuter than puppies and kittens!

I was watching Dinner for Five the other night and was once again struck by the fact that most of the people that go on that show (including Favreau) seem to think they have very important jobs. If I was an alien who stumbled into my apartment and saw this show I would think that these people must be running the country or saving dying children the way they take themselves so seriously. It's amazing how humans will get used to anything. If you treat someone like they are extremely important (as most celebrities are treated) for a few months they start to think they deserve it. It's just like me and the automatically flushing toilets. They have them at work and now when I go anywhere that doesn't have it I'm fucking pissed off! Why should *I* have to flush the fucking toilet myself??! I don't have to do it at work, alien, why should I have to do it here?! (I'm now talking to my houseguest, the alien.)

It's Monday, Starks kept me up peeing on me, I've had very little sleep. (All explanations for the above post)
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April 22nd, 2005

I just read that one of JLo's "weaknesses" in her diet is Oriental Chicken salad. First of all, why am I reading about this? And secondly, I don't understand how that is remotely unhealthy. Am I that out of touch with nutrition that I have no idea what is good for me? Am I eating pounds of food that I think are healthy that are actually quiet killers? Actually I don't eat enough foods that I think are healthy to cause any problems. Phew. Thank God that's solved.

I spent yesterday writing an essay about my history with and meeting of Rick Springfield. I am spent!

Also, Nate and I have decided when you don't like someone and have to tell them that you should just say, "we have different sensibilites." This was taken from an email I got from a woman who told me that she in fact didn't think we should critique each other's writing anymore and gave the above reason. The thing is I didn't even ask her to critique anything recently! It was an unsolicited rejection. I prefer my rejections solicited, thank you very much! I should send her an email saying I don't think we should shop at the same stores because we have different tastes. Get it? We don't even shop at the same stores now! I would just be insulting her! Get it??

Okay, I confess! I've had sugar for the last two days! Double stuff oreos and raisinettes! Buckle your seatbelts readers!
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April 20th, 2005
This just in...

In a continuing report from yesterday, proof that I am emotionally arrested comes in:
I have noticed that girls around the ages of 7-12 often check out what I'm wearing. It should also be noted that girls (and women) above the age of 12, do not.
I suppose I could invest in a pair of high heels or something, but they really do not go with knee socks.
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April 19th, 2005
As if my Hello Kitty collection wasn\'t enough of a clue...

So I was thinking of updating the front of my site to take out the part about being emotionally arrested because I thought perhaps I had outgrown it. Then I had the following conversation with my friend Ashley:

Ashley: You have blue nail polish too!

She took off her shoes to show me the same color I have on my hands, on her toes.

Me: Oh, cool!

Ashley: My friend took me to this place on the Upper East Side and I got it done there. I asked the woman who did my nails who else picks this color and she said, “Mostly…children.”

If the fact that I am wearing blue nail polish and discussing it with glee with my friend isn’t enough, the nail lady really sealed the deal. The front of the site will stay the same.

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April 18th, 2005

These are some of the very important things I have been thinking lately:

I like songs that repeat things like "la la" and "yeah yeah yeah" even though I know I'm not supposed to. It's cheesy and obvious, but I fall for it!

Jennifer Beals is my new favorite actress. So long Meryl Streep! I'd like to see the complexity in YOUR eyes after your girlfriend leaves you when she's really pregnant and has tons of sex with some uppity socialite. Okay, I guess you could do it too, but I still love Jennifer Beals!

After watching hours upon hours of the Dog Whisperer I now think I am an expert on dogs even though I have never owned one and until I watched the show I was mildly afraid of all of them. I went to the dog park yesterday and I mentally was shaking my head at most of the owners thinking things like "his collar is too low" and "he thinks you are the submissive and he is the pack leader". Nothing like watching an educational show to create a half informed person full of hubris.

That's it! It's 71 degrees! I am thrilled.
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April 15th, 2005
Two entries in one day!

It seems that Stickerbook will most likely be playing CBGB's before it closes. Who am I? Let's imagine my mother's response.

Me: Stickerbook is going to play CBGB's.
My mother: What's Stickerbook?
Me: It's the band I'm in.
My mother: Oh. I didn't know that. How would I know that?
Me: I'm pretty sure I've told you. Many times.
My mother: Alright, so I'm the bad guy again! Do you want to talk to your father?

Anyway, I don't know what turn I took to get here, but I'm glad I took it! I'm also glad I have a new Casio keyboard to accompany me. (Pun!)
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April 15th, 2005
Dog HATES people who abuse color copiers!!

I know I talk a lot about television here but it’s imperative that you, my readers who are sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for my next very important opinion, watch Dog the Bounty Hunter. It is so good! He is the sweetest, most big hearted fiercely intimidating man you’ll ever see. Every episode he starts off saying, “We’re gonna get this piece of crap. He’s scum of the earth!” And by the end he’s telling them they can have a second chance at life, that it’s not over for them and reminds them of their children and is encouraging them to make something of themselves. He usually has tears in his eyes as he sends them off to prison. He is like Jesus if Jesus rode a Harley and was fighting the war on ice in Hawaii. I don’t even know what ice is, apparently it’s not crack, but if Dog doesn’t like it, neither do I!

Some guy at work just gave me his code to make color copies and then said, “when you’re done, rip up the code and throw it right away.” I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “In case anyone wants to go on a giant color copying spree?” He didn’t find that amusing. He just continued on his crusade, “You know some people use that copier for personal use and while this may look personal, it isn’t.” He wanted me to copy an article on golf.
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April 13th, 2005

I’ve had a headache for the last three days which leads me to believe I probably have a brain tumor. So as I was lying in bed thinking about how these may be my last few months on earth I thought about what I would do with them. It reminded me of that movie with Sarah Polley where she knows she’s going to die and decides what she is going to do with the rest of her life. I will compare our lists. I don’t remember hers that well, but well enough.

Her list: She will tell her children often how much she loves them.
My list: I will suffocate Starks and Oakley with love until they wish they had been adopted into a loveless home.
Her list: She will find a new wife for her husband.
My list: I will make sure Brett knows exactly who he CANNOT under ANY circumstances date after I die. And if he must date (someone NOT on the list), he first has to do what Brady Black did yesterday on Days of Our Lives. He has to propose marriage to my cremated remains in front of his now girlfriend declaring, “he will go to his grave never knowing love like that again” and then try to stuff the ring in the urn. (I of course won’t actually really be alive watching the whole thing from the back of the church afraid to face him because of the terrible scar I got from the car accident that did not actually kill me.)
Her list: She will make someone fall in love with her.
My list: I will make Hank Azaria fall in love with me. But unlike that hussy in the movie I will not cheat on Brett despite Hank’s pleas and desperate love for me. Also, I will meet him by getting front row seats to Spamalot and being spotted by one of Hank’s personal roadies whose job it is to scour the audience for ladies to bring backstage to meet Hank. I of course will balk at the idea, but figure what the heck! I only have a few months to live, I’ll at least let the guy talk to me. It’s all very tragic, mostly for Hank who can never have the true love of his life, because not only is she not available but also very close to death.

I’m also considering having my eyes checked in case that’s what’s bringing on the headaches.

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April 8th, 2005
If I saw Kate Brady in real life I\'d give her an earful!

It seems that superstar hilarious writer David Sedaris and I have something in common. A love of a soap opera! Well, he loves OLTL and I love DOOL (shorthand for the smarties) but still. It makes me feel just a teensy bit less ashamed of my now daily intake of the events in Salem. David Sedaris actually met the One Life to Live-rs (okay so now you know what it stands for) and this is what he said (at least some of what he said anyway):
"It was the best day of my life," he gushed. He seemed truly honored to meet the staff and actors that he so adores. "It was amazing to be in a room next to the Victoria Buchanan, who really is just the nicest person. I was standing talking to Bo, Riley, Blair and I just wanted to, you know, freak out. I was kind of nodding my head and trying to keep my composure and seem professional and act like I wasn't some deranged lunatic fan, but really I just wanted to, wow, I mean it was really amazing."

Now I will admit that I wouldn't feel quite so estatic if I met the cats from Days. (I had to mention cats once, it's been awhile.) But maybe that's the key to being hugely successful! I just have to foster my soap love into a beautiful overpowering addiction and therein lies my ticket to genius.

Jen is meeting me for lunch today even though she doesn't work near here anymore and for that I love and adore her beyond words. If only she was a soap opera!
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April 7th, 2005
Oh Spring, how I love thee!

I never used to understand people who wanted to be outside all the time. Why do you want to be outside all the time? Is there a television outside? Can you watch a movie outside? (At any given moment, I mean. Don’t drive thru movie, Bryant Park special screening me, pal.) Can you spend hours writing and surfing the internet without feeling ashamed that you’re not enjoying the “beautiful weather”? Of course not. Well I think the combination of this winter lasting 12 billion years and living in New York for 9 has finally made me go to the other side. I can’t believe how beautiful it is out there! I don’t want to be in here at all! I want to be out there! I don’t even care what I’m doing, I just want to do it outside! Oh who am I kidding, I do care what I’m doing. I want to go surfing and rock climbing and become a construction worker! God, I love the sun! Of course this is New York City, so in the blink of an eye it will be so disgustingly hot and humid I will be blasting air conditioning watching reruns of the L Word, damning the heat and vowing never to leave my apartment again. But I’m enjoying it now!

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April 5th, 2005

I was looking at used car reviews (don't ask) and this one for the Toyota ECHO was just fantastic. Here's a blurb:

"I have been doing the tune-ups myself. Everything is very easy to do on this car, I think any girl could even do a full tune-up on it."

Wow! Even a GIRL? But girls are BORN unable to take care of cars! I don't even know if I could recognize one if a boy didn't tell me what it was! Are you SURE sir? I don't know if I can click the button that says this review was helpful. It just seems too unbelievable.

Speaking of sexists, I get it! The Pope's dead! How many days is it going to be the top story? I know he's very important to Catholics and all, but seriously. How much more can we talk about this? And even if we could talk about it a lot, the TOP story? I can't imagine that much has changed day to day with his death condition. I'm sure he's had a very interesting life, but if we are going to have it be the TOP story every day, why not mix it up a little? Say talk about his early days when he was a playwright. Nate told me that and that I find interesting! What made the Pope give up writing? Was it the rejection? He decided he couldn't take the entertainment business but he could deal with being the Pope? Let's explore that topic, newspeople!
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April 4th, 2005
Assorted tales

I really think I’m over my sugar addiction. But as with any addiction I realized that I could think I’m in the clear, but I’m actually just in the clear TODAY. I could have one piece of lemon meringue pie and the next thing you know I’ll have gone on a three day bender and will have to be unearthed under a pile of Butterfinger crisp wrappers. But I bet I would really enjoy that lemon meringue pie.

For some reason Lukas spent all of Friday’s episode of Days of Our lives without his shirt on. They didn’t even bother to give an explanation! (Possible explanations: I was in a hurry, all my shirts are in the laundry, I hate shirts.) Instead he walked through the apartment complex shirtless without a care in the world. All I could think about was that the producers must really think Lukas looks great. I can’t get past the fact that it appears he can’t grow a mustache.

I had a dream last night that Hank Azaria saved me from a rapist! That was so nice of him! I sure wish Huff was still on the air

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April 1st, 2005
April Fools

What a day! I came back from a lovely lunch with Tony, Nate and Jen to find an email from Prince Harry in my inbox! The subject was: Your lovly This is what it said:

I am traped in a horrid bording school, and havnt much time.
I think your lovly. It is hard being a prince, and i spend hours
dreaming of living another lif with someone far away from here. I
think thta someone is you, Natasha Levinger.
Would you like you be my girlfriend? I could move to America and call
myself "Hank". We could tell people I'm and industrial designer from
Manchester, and you fell in love with my youthful spirit and delicate
hands.
W/B!!!

Oh my Goodness! I sure hope Brett doesn't get too jealous when he's sees this! I would love to write Hank back just to let him know that he can leave that boarding school considering he graduated about 3 years ago! Why is he trapped or "traped" (it must be English spelling) as he said? I sure hope he gets out. Regardless I hope I get the chance to tell someone that I fell in love with someone's delicat hands. That's a conversation I hope to have.
It was so nice of him to write though. Sorry, Hank! I'm taken! But I'm sure you'll find someone.


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