March 30th, 2005
Dr. Hazelkorn

We have a new reader in our midst! In a previous post I quoted him with the phrase, "on the corner of crazitude and vinsanity" and while I gave him a coy shout out (whassup kids?!) he was not pleased that I did not actually fully credit him. However, it occured to me just now that while it is true he came up with THAT particular expression, it is I who came up with the word crazitude in the first place! And and intelligent person may speculate that from there he had the foundation to come up with other such adorable words like vinsanity. We'll never really know. But either way Dr. Hazelkorn, here is your credit.
Other things to note about him: Although I haven't seen him in awhile he has apparently been working out and is "quite buff". I *think* those were his words, I may be getting credit heavy here. Also, he gave up hamburgers because he was addicted to them.

In other news, if you see a sugarless chocolate bunny for half off at the store, don't buy it. It will make you learn things about your digestive system that you didn't want to know. (Sorry.)

Also, if you're at all curious what happened to Jack on Days, take a number. And then expect to wait about 6 months! That show is just toying with me now on purpose. Excuse me, I have to go take my meds.
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March 29th, 2005
Another update

My heater is making decisions for me I didn't ask it to. It's a space heater! Why is it telling me when I'm warm enough? I'm freezing! Also, I sit next to a lovely woman who is going through menopause so I'm trying to get as much heat time in while she's at the bank but my heater has other plans for me!

Also, if anyone can tell Craggs and I why the restaurant America closed, please let me know. I think it's fair to say we are both crushed.
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March 29th, 2005

Lately I have noticed more than a usual amount of terrible lines designed to sell shows and movies. I'm sure there's a name for that, slogan? No, not slogan! Anyway, that new cop show that's trying to pretend it's NYPD Blue only with a blind guy (why not just keep NYPD Blue on the air then?) with the terrible line: He lost his sight, but not his vision. Oh dear GOD. And then that Grey's Anatomy which I don't remember exactly but something like, "In medical school when everything isn't black and white, it's Grey's Anatomy." I might be making that worse, but NOT much. And then of course Miss Congeniality 2, Armed and Fabulous! I realize that I have my own set of problems when Sandra Bullock can disappoint me, but still.

We had a bit of a scare with Starks yesterday but everything is back to normal, thank God. And it turns out I AM the cat whisperer! Or I have at least whispered to Starks because he has stopped waking me up at night! It's amazing. He now just sleeps next to me all night in beautiful purring silence. Cesar Milan has done it again!
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March 25th, 2005
Updates

Well I finally called my mother and got the reaction. Here is the conversation:
Me: So, I played guitar in my band.

My mother: You did? Where did you learn how to do that?

I suppose that could be interpreted in any way, but her tone was that of someone very dubious as if I told her I had pulled off a great heist and gotten away with it.

And of course the Days update. I don't know how people can watch soap operas for years! These people are trapped in a terminal hell of their own existence! Jack is back at the castle! Apparently he's been there for a year! What? I can NOT deal with this for a year, people. Also, apparently Abe is blind although he looks everyone in the eye and makes no attempt whatsoever to seem that he can't see in any way. This guy must have made a deal with the producers or something, because he seems to think his job is safe no matter what. He's the laziest guy playing blind I've ever seen! Oh, and Kate had sex with billionaire John Black AFTER he told her she was a lousy mother. You've been updated!

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March 24th, 2005

I hope everyone is watching the Dog Whisperer. Yesterday he cured all the dogs in under ten minutes. One lady was really high strung and annoying and her dog was equally hyperactive and wouldn't go for a walk without freaking out. Cesar said, "Without judging anyone, there needs to be some relaxation in the owner or the dog will continue to have problems." Cesar was totally quietly judging her, but I love him so much for making an effort. His expression when she was chattering gave him away. Then he took the dog for a walk without her and had NO problem! That dog was just going nuts because its owner was loco! The voice over said, "In the end sometimes the creature Cesar has the most problems training are the humans the dogs live with."

If anyone wants a cat, please go to muffins.org and adopt the two blind cats that look like Jen's cat Professor. Also, please find a way to hack into my computer and make sure that I can never access that site or any site like it. It is beyond heartbreaking and I don't know what to do about it!

UPDATES
GUITAR/MOTHER:
I haven't had a chance to tell my mother about my guitar playing. (read: I avoid talking to her both consciously and subconsciously.) Brett expressed concern that my mother would find this site and I reassured him that that would never happen because she is really not that interested in me. Although he had a good point that if she knew she was mentioned she would come here a lot. So it's a good thing her apathy for me is very strong and she'll never find out.

DAYS:
They didn't even bother with Jack yesterday. They were too busy with the guy who replaced the woman who is busy destroying everyone's lives. Maybe today!
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March 22nd, 2005
Guitar

I'm going to tell my mother that I played guitar last night for Stickerbook. I will report back with what she actually said, but these are some of the responses I am predicting:

Why?
Do you play guitar? (that's an obvious one)
Do they let anyone play anything in that band of yours?
The least insulting: I didn't know you play guitar.
Least likely: Good for you!
Most likely: Okay. What else is going on?

I would like to also alert my attentive readers to a prediction I have. The hot new thing in the NOT so distant future will be...bonnets. That's right, soon every hipster in Williamsburg and the like will be wearing bonnets. When you see them everywhere I hope you think of me!
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March 21st, 2005
The Cat Whisperer

There is the show on the National Geographic channel (or Natty G as Craggs likes to call it) called The Dog Whisperer. This guy, this dog whispering expert, makes any dog overcome their problems! Irrational fear of the toaster, growling and generally scary, whatever it is he will cure it. It's amazing. At one point one of the families expressed how much they wished he lived with him. He said, "My spirit will." I love him ALMOST as much as Jack Bauer. If I were a dog I would love him just as much. So anyway last night I decided to try and become the Cat Whisperer. Whenever Starks meowed before 7:00 AM I would do what Cesar did. I would shush him quickly,not angrily, just have dominance eminating from my energy (as per Cesar's instructions). I would never whine loudly that he was stealing my precious sleep from me, I would quickly, dominantly shush him.

I'm going to pretend that it worked and that I chose to feed him at 5:30 because I had to go to the bathroom anyway.

I read the update of this week on Days and Jack is back at the castle. MY Days days are numbered! I swear!
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March 19th, 2005
I have a question

When did Jim Carrey start thinking he was Robin Williams? I'm starting to understand why Brett hates him. I saw an old interview with him on Oprah (midwestern housewife that I am)and he was probably the most annoying person in the Universe. Capital U. He was what I imagine he thinks was "riffing", off of every question, jumping all over the stage, creating general unfunny chaos. He seemed like he either thought he was the most hilarious person alive or he was moments away from losing his mind. In a completely unfunny, uncomfortable, should I be worried about him, way.
Then Meryl Streep came on (another person Brett hates), and again, I see why! This one is more heartbreaking because of course she is the most amazing actress ever. But WOW has this lady got the "I'm so down to earth (dahhhhling)" down it's disturbing. You know as soon as the cameras are off she's yelling at her assistant that her hot water is lukewarm. I don't know why she's drinking plain hot water. I am evil for writing mean things about people, but I'm about 99% sure they don't care what I think. 1% of me is a meglomaniac and is sure they do care, and is also plotting to put Butterfinger crisps in every deli in the nation.

And to show where *I'm* coming from, to prove how important *my* opinion matters, here's a Days update!

I'm almost fed up! Jack let the gun get away from him for a THIRD TIME and now he's been injected with some sort of poison so he's back to the alternate castle. That's right. The alternate castle where when anyone goes anywhere, be it Iraq (I'm not kidding), Europe, or a day trip, somehow ends up there. The people in this "country" where the castle is are vaguely Russian, but apparently the castle itself is anywhere and everywhere. Like Oprah! (So said Jim Carrey. He got one thing right!)

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March 17th, 2005
The TEST

Today I passed the biggest sugar test of all. Nate came to lunch armed with SAMOA GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. Only the best cookies ever to be made by anyone anywhere! And yet I didn't eat one. I wasn't even tempted! I have banned from my mind the idea of sugar.

Although it's been almost two months and I haven't really noticed any difference. If I continue to notice no difference I will eat an entire package of Samoas, as they were meant to be eaten. (In totality)

DAYS update:
Jack let the clone get to the gun again!! He's really testing my patience!!
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March 16th, 2005
Old folks

I was listening to an interview with the director of Assisted Living on NPR talk about his movie which is about a stoner guy and an elderly woman who become "unlikely friends" (that begged for quotes) and it sounded really good! And then I started thinking about how I like old people. They're usually so nice! At least to me. And then I remembered how when I was 18 I picked up this old lady at the supermarket and asked her if she wanted me to help her with anything. Like in her life. What's the matter with me? Why was I picking up old people? I ended up going to her room every week and reading Out of Africa to her. Why? I had friends! Why was I doing that? She didn't even like it, she was totally bored. She asked me to stop. SHE asked ME to stop. Then somehow my mother knew someone who knew someone at the home where this lady was (we are very connected people) and it turns out this lady was the bitch of the home. No one liked her. Except 18 year old me! Maybe I was making up for the times when I was 5 and would go to the old lady's house that lived next to us and steal her glass animals when she was getting me juice. Did I admit that? I think I should stop writing here so much.
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March 15th, 2005
I\'m very complex

Brett said that if you didn't know me and you just read my journal you'd think I was a midwestern housewife. Apparently all this talk about Days of Our Lives and my cats are giving people the wrong impression. I live in New York City people! I'm in a BAND. I perform "comedy"! (Quotes for those who don't think I'm funny.) I am very hip! I'm a city girl out there doing city things!
I just also happen to be very caught up in the Jack/Jennifer storyline on Days of our Lives and spend much of my time making sure Starks gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it. Oakley too, but he just asks less.
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March 14th, 2005

I just boiled some pasta and burned it. Come on. I knew I was a bad cook but I didn't think I was burn pasta bad.

Okay, holy crap. A woman who is dying of bone cancer, in her last months, the chemo didn't work and she knows she's going to die, just met Oprah. It was one of her last wishes. Her friend announced her in the audience like it was nothing. "This is my friend who is dying of bone cancer, these are her last couple months and the last thing she wished for was to meet you." Uh, what? You can't just spring that on me! I mean, Oprah! That's not fair! We need to prepare! I don't know how I, I mean Oprah just dealt with that. We are very strong.

Finally, Stephanie look away if you don't want to know what happened on Days of Our Lives. Don't look! Jennifer is a clone! What? It was so scary! I had no idea! It was like watching The Fugitive or some intense thriller. I couldn't take it!

I don't know what got into me today, but I stopped by one of those nail/massage places where they give you ten minute massages. The place stunk of fumes from the nail polish, but I was a soldier and I went through with it anyway. It was all going so well until she started beating me at the end. I swear to God she started flogging me. All I could think was, "you are undoing all the good you just did! Stop undoing the good! You're bringing my headache back!" But I assumed it would stop, so I didn't say anything. Then it did stop. And then it started again. The flogging! And yet I would go back again.

I guess I had a lot to say today.
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March 10th, 2005
The Ladies of Rockefeller Plaza

Today Jen and I went to find a seat to eat our lunch, but there were none to be found. We looked for awhile and decided to sit on the ground and eat, and grab a table if we had a chance. I tried to fool myself that I didn't mind eating on the ground, but I'm not a coordinated person even when i have a table holding my meal and things got very messy very quickly. Jen was more honest with herself and half shouted to no one in particular, "We are LADIES! We should not be eating on the ground! Where are all the GENTLEMEN?!" I had to agree with her as I spilled some more dressing on myself, and just then one of the Rockefeller Plaza watchdogs walked up to us. He explained that we really shouldn't be eating on the floor and that if his boss saw, we would be, "dealing with a different kind of situation" but we should finish eating. I wondered to Jen what kind of situation we might be dealing with if his boss was around. I also wondered what kind of situation we were dealing with then. It all seemed vague but fasinating at the same time. Then moments later he came back and said, "Ladies, I have a table for you over here." We suddenly had a host! And he recognized us as the ladies we were! It must have been what Teri Hatcher felt like when she went from being a has been to total success in moments. Except without the swag bags. Then he said, "I'm glad you got a seat because if my boss saw you I didn't want to be romancing him a different kind of yuck yuck." What? Oh dear. Instead of asking him if he was okay we smiled and thanked him, and then I wondered to Jen exactly what a different kind of yuck yuck was. And then I wondered if what were dealing with now could be defined as any kind of yuck yuck. I told Brett later and he thought we might have witnessed the moment the man lost his mind. Perhaps, but he was an excellent host!

I hate to be unladylike after proving my lady status, but sugar free candy makes a lady or non lady very gassy. I'd stay away from it. Good luck!
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March 9th, 2005
In case you were wondering

24 was amazing again! Aside from the lack of fake cities and alternate realities it is the best soap opera out there. And yes it is a soap opera when you have a table of four people consisting of one person who was unjustly tortured and went right back to work for the company who tortured her, one whose daughter committed suicide moments before,one whose mother just died of nuclear fallout poisoning, and one who was a drunk and named traitor of his country now running the whole team. Those are my guys!

I am really quite boring that all I talk about is television. But it's so good! I will wait until I have something else impersonal, but non television related to write about.
(Warning: It will probably be about sleep or my cats. My cats are exception to the impersonal rule.)(They are also quite adorable.)
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March 7th, 2005
Twice in a day

Well, the heartbreak has begun. The Daytime Emmys were announced and Days of Our Lives didn't get a thing! (I swear I've only been watching it for two weeks.) I should expect as much from an award system that has a separate award for Best Actress and Best YOUNG Actress, with the "young" actress being in her Twenties. What are actual children nominated for? Best Zygote Actress? I think the real problem is that they take themselves too seriously, these Daytime Emmys. When you nominate a show that prefers marrying and divorcing its main characters instead of putting them on fake alternate realities and having multiple people dead when they're alive, it's time to look in the mirror, Daytime Emmy!

I haven't had sugar in almost six weeks. Can I blame that?
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March 7th, 2005

I used to think that I had an eye for spotting talent. I loved John Mayer long before anyone I knew, knew who he was. Same with Maroon 5, to a lesser extent. But clearly knowing about someone before they hit it big is not the same thing as spotting talent. Of course now I know they are both pop crap! I was way off! (Actually, I think John Mayer is talented, but that’s my problem.)
Other misfires: I saw Renee Zelwegger in Jerry Maguire and I thought, this girl won’t work another day! She’s awful!
I couldn’t stomach Mystic Pizza because of some terrible actress, Julia Roberts.
I thought Rick Springfield was just misunderstood. (and actually a musical genius) (and my future husband)(I still think he’s better than people think)

But I loved Bottle Rocket instantly! Doesn’t that mean anything?

In racist news, my mother also works at a Japanese company (those of you thinking like mother like daughter BITE YOUR TONGUE) and she said, “Their teeth are terrible! There’s one guy there I just want to get in there and floss!”

I realized yesterday that my mother is one step from being the mother on Arrested Development.

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March 4th, 2005
Highs and Lows

So I emailed this guy about meeting for a writing job because he ASKED me to, let's keep that in mind. This was no cold emailing. And he wrote me right back to schedule a time, which was encouraging. That is until I noticed under the subject heading it said:
Importance: Low
Oh, okay. Is that really necessary? Did you really need to remind yourself how little I matter? I know where I stand on the food chain. Do we really need to rub it in?

In case you other people were wondering, this week on Days of Our Lives was fabulous! They dealt with an actress getting pregnant in real life by replacing her with a man. What? That's right, a man is playing her character. He is supposed to be in an "amazingly real" disguise! There is also a voodoo doll whose face is superimposed with computer graphics of a frightening Chucky-like doll when it speaks to its owner. What a show! I can't believe I haven't been watching this forever!
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March 2nd, 2005
Happy, Eliza?

I woke up at 4:00 in the morning to pee (wait, it gets even better) and so I decided to thwart Starks' plan to wake me up at 6:00 to feed him and feed him then. At 6:00 he started meowing as usual but I did NOT buy it! I knew he had food! He couldn't keep up his charade because we both knew he had food and I wasn't going to fall for it! He stopped the meowing after a minute and gave me the cold shoulder when I woke up for real. We have a very complicated relationship.

I'm working at a Japanese company and every time I go to pee (wait, it gets even better) someone is in there brushing their teeth! Is that racist of me? I'm just reporting what's happening, you're drawing your own conclusions. (Japanese people love to look at their teeth.)
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