January 31st, 2007
Holy God.

My BFF Laura met Dr. Marlena Evans (from Days of Our Lives as if you didn't know)! She was in the Farmer's Market and she split a white chocolate cherry bread loaf with Laura's boyfriend! I've had nothing to blog about and then LOOK WHAT HAPPENS TO ME!! Laura didn't tell Dr. Marlena Evans that I named my cat after her because she thought Dr. Marlena Evan's name was Dr. Marlena Schwartz, forgetting that I named my cat Dr. Marlena Evans Schwartz so she could be Jewish. What a day I've had!
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January 28th, 2007
Happy birthday Oprah!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I know what you're thinking. "Did Oprah call and invite you to Chicago so you guys can celebrate your birthday together?" Well, not yet. But I've got about five hours left for her to invite me. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I have a feeling she's going to call in the morning. But the terrible thing is, when she does I'm going to have to say no! I can't just fly out there on the spur of the moment like that! I have a baby now! I can't just leave her because Oprah called. I know what you're thinking. "Won't Oprah pay for all of you to come out there?" Probably. Okay, so I guess if she calls by like, let's say ten, then I'll go. Otherwise I can't really cancel on Laura! We're going to watch the last hour of The Departed and then go get cake with Brett and Harper! I can't just cancel on her because Oprah finally decided to call! I know what you're thinking. "What if she told one of her assistants to call you earlier and they forgot, so she feels really bad about it and fires that assistant and asks you to please forgive her help's ineptitude?" Good point. Alright, if she calls by noon and seems really sorry about calling so late and fires her assistant agrees to pay for all of our tickets, then I'll go.

Get ready for the update from Chicago!!
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January 25th, 2007
I loooove L.A. I LOVE IT!

Overheard in the park part three, a woman on the phone with her child:

"You can meet me in the park and play for an hour. What? No, you don't have any auditions today, so you can play for an hour."

The mother sounded like she was in the middle of transgender reassignment.
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January 23rd, 2007

Things I liked about L.A. when we first moved here:

Big clean supermarkets
Friendly and helpful customer service
Bigger apartments for less money than in NY
It doesn't get stupidly cold in the winter.

Things I like about L.A. now that I've had a year and a half to really live here:

Big clean supermarkets
Friendly and helpful customer service
Bigger apartments for less money than in NY
It doesn't get stupidly cold in the winter.

At what point in a relationship do you say, "I'm ready for the next step. I like what you did when we first got back together, but it's like you're not even trying anymore"? But you know I'd say that to LA and then L.A. would complain that I knew what it was like when I started seeing it and I seemed to like it fine then, and then I would say I need to grow, sure big clean supermarkets are fine, but I need more than my basic needs met, and then L.A. would say something about sun, blah blah blah and I would have stopped listening and then it would have to go get ready for some premiere and make a lot of traffic and I would go home and watch 24 and pretend L.A. was Jack Bauer.

Tomorrow I will update the music page I swear!!!! I know you are dying to see it!!!
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January 22nd, 2007

If this is what comes out of having the worst President in history, then at least some part of it will have been worth it.

(Yes, that was from Rosie's flickr page. Yes, you're allowed to call her Rosie when you have a blog about her. Yes, I did plug it again.)
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January 22nd, 2007
Sugar = Love

My BFF Laura called last night to tell me some "unbelievably great news". Apparently she heard on NPR that sugar isn't bad for you. The sugar substitutes are evil, but sugar is fine! And molasses? That's even GOOD for you. Turns out, God does love me.
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January 17th, 2007
Cyber tag!!

I have been tagged by Jen to tell you five things about me you don't know. Unless you are Brett.

1. I am afraid of dogs. I still love them though! And since watching the Dog Whisperer I am confident I can train them. I'm like a fearful Dog Whisperette.

2. I listen to Dr. Laura almost every day. i don't agree with her politics, but I almost always agree with how she deals with kids.

3. I feel like people from Chicago don't usually like me. (Arnie, you aren't from Chicago, you just live there.)

4. I never really had a favorite color and then all of a sudden I started liking purple. Can you even believe that?? Seriously, this is the kind of crazy shit that happens to me.

5. I used to have a school of imaginary friends. I took attendance. I found it a few years ago. Sometimes some of them were absent. Especially Mable Banon. But she had a hard home life.

Okay, I guess I have to tag some people in return. Here goes:

Arnie

Shelktone

Kate

Anne

Lily
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January 16th, 2007
Conversation of the day heard in the park:

Two six year old girls, one English, run up to a tree and start climbing it.

English: *I* can climb really far!

Other one: So can I!! One time I climbed up it while I holded a ten pound ball!

English: *I* can climb all the way to the top!!

Other one: So can I!

English: Have you climbed this tree before?

Other one: Of course! I just told you, I climbed while I holded a ten pound ball!
(watching the English one get higher and higher)
Are you sure this is safe?

After they got down the non-english one ran up to Harper.

Other one: She's cute. Is she yours or are you watching her?

Me: She's mine.

Other one: (Surprised) Oh! Because you know there are people who watch babies.

Me: I know.

She was so surprised Harper was mine. The mothers of Studio city really are scarce!

Little girls really love babies. I know that women are stereotypically supposed to love babies, but I didn't realize that little girls were obsessed with them. They are always so excited to see Harper. Harper actually gives them smiles sometimes. So little girls: 1 cashiers: 0, for those keeping score.
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January 16th, 2007
Arnie for President of Comedy

I should have written this sooner, but my friend Arnie is in a show in Chicago called Whirled News Tonight that did a 5 minute pilot called Kyles In A Coma for NBC's new comedy website. Go watch it and vote for him! I mean for the pilot! He is funny.

There were a lot of links in that paragraph.
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January 15th, 2007
Happy Birthday, MLK Jr.

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant."

Martin Luther King Jr.
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January 15th, 2007
24 24 24 24 24

I am talking to the TV again!!! That can only mean one thing...

Jack Bauer is back. The TV streets are safe again!
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January 10th, 2007
I'll sneak Rick Springfield in there soon.

I discovered in the car one day that when Harper is crying she will stop crying if I play music she likes at top volume. The problem is that it seems that Harper only likes some of the songs on a mixed CD Stephanie made me, and pretty much nothing else. No other CD, no song on the radio, nothing else will calm her. Harper likes: Some guy named Darren Hanlon, Phoenix, The Postal Service and XTC. Harper hates: The Shins, The Strokes, Green Day and The Killers. Those last two I discovered today when I thought I'd try the radio to get her to stop crying. Nope, that girl would not be tricked. She knew I didn't have that CD in there. For a moment she was subdued by The Cure, but as soon as that was over she wasn't having any of that Green Day crap. I think I've heard The District Sleeps Alone Tonight 12,452 times. I have gone from thinking it was okay, to thinking it's the best song ever written. It took me approximately 12,452 times to appreciate The District Sleeps Alone Tonight. If Harper hadn't been obsessed with that song I would have never known that I think it's a piece of genius songwriting. I wonder if I listened to "I Built This City" 12,452 times if I would go from wanting to murder myself rather than listen to it to thinking it was only mildly unappealing. I have to be very honest here and say I think I'd rather listen to the screams of my child than listen to that song even 5 times in a row. Sorry, Harper! If it makes you feel better we'll never actually do that experiment.
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January 9th, 2007
Maybe he meant Oprah.

Yesterday at the Post Office a drunken guy came stumbling in. When a teller walked to the side he got out of line, walked up to her and said, "I wannnna send this certiffffied." He then took out a tiny piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to her. It is my belief that if this situation had happened in NYC the following would have happened.

Customers in line: What the hell is that man doing?! He can't just cut in line! Excuse me, there is a line!

If he had made it to the teller the woman would have said, "You'll have to wait in line like everyone else. I can't help you."

Instead, no one said anything (including me) and the teller said, "Oh. Okay." When it was my turn I had the fortune to be standing next to him. He said to me, "You lllllook like that lady who plllllays on TV. You an actress?" I didn't look at him and said, "No." "Oh. Well you lllllook like it."

I grabbed Harper and got the hell out of dodge. I'd like to think I handled it NYC style.
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January 7th, 2007
Face like a pumpkin.

Today Brett and I were at the park and saw a five year old boy accidentally run into a four year old girl. He then had this "conversation" with the girl and her father.

Boy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Girl: (whimper, whimper)
Boy: (to her father) Is she okay?
Father: She's okay.
Boy: Are you bleeding? Is she bleeding? Boy you really got bruised up! How did you get your face painted?
(Brett thinks he was sitting on that question from the beginning.)
Boy: I'm sorry. Your pumpkin face is coming off.
(off her look)
It's okay, you still look like a pumpkin.
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January 7th, 2007
You asked for it (Anne)!

Since so many people (Anne) were clamoring for the return of the Oprah blog, and since Kate and I are daytime TV soulmates and both also love Rosie we have started a new one: The Ro and O blog. We'll discuss whatever Ro & O discussed earlier that day, or you know, whatever we want to talk about that relates to Rosie and Oprah. Enjoy everyone (Anne)!
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January 5th, 2007
A comment five days late.

I don't get when people on New Year's Eve say things like, "Thank God THIS year is over!" Do they not realize that just because it's another year, it's actually just the day after the day before and it will not make any difference in how their lives are going to turn out? It's not like God's like, "It's 2007. I think I'll stop dumping all over THAT guy now."

Wow that comment was more depressing in print than it was in my head. In my head I was mildly annoyed at those people. In print it looks like I want to shoot myself. Hey, I'm not the one who's happy 2006 is over! It wasn't cyncial!
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January 4th, 2007
Maybe the mothers are at home listening to the Format

I have come to the realization that The Format is my favorite band after The Beatles. If you count Elvis Costello & the Attractions as a band and not just Elvis Costello solo then they would be third. Here I stand making that earth shattering statement!! Here I stand. Why aren't they huge (is what you're asking yourself)??? Here is my assessment: they aren't emo hip enough to be a big indie band (yet) and they aren't top 40 enough to be a hit alongside beyonce. To the left Beyonce! I don't know what that means, but I wanted a capper.

Brett and I went to the park and saw Jenny "kelly, 90210" Garth and Mark "hanging with mr. cooper" Curry. We also saw about 35 hispanic nannies and a few fathers. We have come to realize that we often see many dads and many nannies but not so much with the mothers. Where are the mothers in Studio City? And unless there is a rash of older hispanic women adopting white children I don't think I'm being racist.
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January 3rd, 2007
WTF is going on with WW Miller

Um, did Wentworth Miller go crazy in the Gap? Seriously, what happened to him in the Gap? Apparently 45 people googled Wentworth Miller and the Gap to get to my site. I got visitors from everywhere from Croatia to the Netherlands looking for that information, only to find an entry from me about how Jack Bauer would never go to the Gap more than one day in a row. (In retrospect I'm not sure why i was adamant about this.) Sorry to disappoint Croatia!
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January 2nd, 2007
Apparently I am not as self centered as I thought

It took me almost two weeks to notice, but the awesome comedy site, Hello Hilarious written by funny ladies about everything from theatre to dating and sex, linked to me as their blog of the week. It is quite flattering as that site is full of the funniest ladies I've ever met. In the post it promised that my site offered Oprah, cats and Jack Bauer. Oh, and my daughter. Let me fulfill that promise.

1. OPRAH: Kate and I started a blog about Oprah last year. The fact that it took me ten minutes to remember the name of the blog tells you how much we wrote in it. Apparently we really just wanted to watch Oprah. I think we should start a new blog about Rosie O'Donnell, because I love Rosie probably as much as Oprah. (Sorry, I know that's sacriOprahigious.) Also, we could email Rosie's blog and she may even read our blog about her. It's too bad I don't have Rosie's birthday like I have Oprah's, because I bet Rosie would like my idea of having a show where the audience is full of people who have our birthday. I mean come on, Oprah! That's a good idea! Watch out or you may lose that blog we never update!

2. CATS: we got Harper a playmat. The cats like it more than she does. Greg likes to go underneath it and attack cats as they walk by unwittingly. But more often than not, he falls asleep during his stakeout.



3. JACK BAUER: Never falls asleep during a stakeout! 11 more days until 24 starts again!!!!!! Last year I was pregnant with Harper and was afraid the tension I felt from watching it would affect her negatively. This year, she will be affected from the outside!!!! Let the tension begin!

4: HARPER!: She turns five months Friday, so what better time for a picture?


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January 1st, 2007

For the past month I will be exhausted and it will be time to go to sleep and as my head hits the pillow my mind will WAKE UP and start indexing the events of my entire life. I believe in the past month I have revisited everything that has ever happened to me. Once I realized that this was happening I became afraid that what is actually happening is a protracted version of my life flashing before my eyes and I'm going to die soon. It's like God is having my life flash slowly and also torturing me slightly by not letting me sleep. If I do die soon I would like to know what Kathryn Spector blackmailing me into giving me her Pipi Longstocking doll when I was four had to do with anything.

And speaking of dying, I would like to see the percentage of Jews who didn't get diagnosed early for any disease. I hear Rosie O'Donnell talking about breast cancer and I scan my body for tumors and make the appropriate doctor appointments. And if I get insomnia I start thinking it's God telling me I might die soon and I should get checked out.

Also, I am really tired.
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